Just when you thought you knew...

It's interesting when you realise who really loves you...

That point when you do something you wouldn't usually be seen doing, something seen as typically wrong - & suddenly; you're getting a lack of eye contact or shifty eyes; you find out about back chat & receive cold shoulders.

Just when you thought you were respected; just as you are - you get judged.

Who can judge?

Answer: No one, unless you're perfect.

An Example:

Jesus asked one question to stop a group from stoning a woman who had broken a rule. He asked them if they were perfect. If they were perfect they were could proceed & start the stoning. No one came forward. Unless you are without sin, you cannot judge another, for you are all sinners.

So, I tell you this.

Getting the cold shoulder; getting back chat; shifty eyes & a lack of friendly eye contact, in a way, is almost like being emotionally stoned to death; mentally stoned to death.

I am not justifying my bad doings - no - I have my own shame - I don't need yours!

Who are you to make me feel this way?

You soil your minds with bitchiness; gossip; crude humour; x-rated things

- & You betray me

I haven't done & never will do that to you

- & if I am seen doing th is, I most likely haven't called them a close friend

- you are supposed to be my friends.

It's also interesting in the sense that perhaps you became my friend because of the benefits, the overall seemed good, you have standards?

- now you see my imperfections - is this how it is?

Stop picking up the stone to throw it as if you are worthy...

GRRRR

This is how it is...

People - they have eyes to see.

Truth - fact; it's what is real.

Camera's - they capture images; they capture moments in time that are real.

Yes, some photographs aren't reliable because they're either out of context or they've been manipulated meaning they don't convey truth.
However, when a photograph is taken of the same thing/subject continuously at different times with the same outcome - it comes to a persons attention that that must be what it looks like - that is it's truth - that is how people see it.

My friends, who I am trying to trust, I have trust issues. Do not simply call me beautiful because it's polite; kind & complimentary because it's not kind when I know it's not true; it's not complimentary when I know it's not true & finally, it's not polite when I know it's not true.

TRUTH - I have eyes - that can see - my doctor says I have brilliant eye sight.

& have multiple types of evidence to back myself. Stop lying.

Been a while now..

Write something. Write something. I'm writing something - but it's nothing.

There's so much spinning around in my mind, and i don't want to just -

overload it onto here.

Mainly because I'll just sound like I'm really sorry for myself.

...which i am to be honest.

I'm not. but i sound and feel like i am.

sorry for myself.

I think i might suffer from like depression or something -

i don't know. but this doesn't make sense.

I always go like this on my own.

like... i just want to cry and cry and cry and cry.

I don't always cry. It turns into anger sometimes.

You wouldn't think i was like this if you met me (unless you know me!)

In public - i'm jokes, lol, init.

-- ha.

'I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me - '

I need to stop trying to fulfill this scripture on my own - I'm so tired!

- & the results come out backwards.

COME ON! GET A GRIP! LOOSEN UP!

JESUS - SAVE ME!

Moo!

I can be a massive; in the way; annoying; cow – but it only comes out on people I REALLY love; the people I trust.

I will snap – I will hit – I will run away.

…but I would not want to live without them; ever. If they said they did not love me – I would probably either pretend to be fine – walk away – cry on my own.
…or possibly just snap in their faces – pure melt down.

The person I am worst to – him; the one. He is bubbly. He is caring. He is horrendous. He is beautiful. He is funny. He is idiotic. He is incredible. He is messy.

but...
He is mine.

& I am horrible.

):

The stupid part: I do not even know why!

Some day’s are so incredibly romantic – and would probably make other people gag if they witnessed it. Some days we just lie down for hours – and it is bliss.

Other days – because of me – we have off days.

This is when every 10 minutes – as he has said – I will get annoyed at something he has done.

I hope he does not have too many bruises ):

THIS ALWAYS HAPPENS.

During: I am angry and give him the silent treatment.

near the end: of our time together & afterwards – I end up feeling SO crap because;

he does not deserve it.

Just seeing him drive away smiling at me, his smile shows how he feels –

and that smile says: I love you, Anna Davies, just how you are.

How could I... possibly (said like DrWho) snap at that? STUPID; STUPID ANNA!

Yeah he is messy & gross & sometimes ignorant – so what?

I am moody; tidy; boring & too insightful.


Therefore, I publicly declare,

I LOVE YOU NEIL ANDREW JAMES

& I am sorry for the past and future fall outs, I need to think before i say things; and now know that my relationship with you is more important than those things i get upset about.

but please remember, because i will do it again: it is only because I love you so much! that i would have the guts to get upset or angry! ):


Yours truly, Anna.

I don't recommend dwelling on the past.

Appreciate the present

& look forward to the future.

Live.

But, then again, how do you define 'Living'?

Neil says,
'If we lived all the fun all the time - we haven't lived. To be human we need to experience every emotion meaning when we have something amazing we enjoy it and it's precious. i have enjoyed, am enjoying and will enjoy you. Through the good and the bad'

I don't know.

But too much dwelling on past, present and future can be hard going.

Just live. My challenge: Don't waste what others would love.

Don't let insecurity hold you down.

Amen.

p.s : 'Hide and seek' by Imogen Heap is my favourite song at this precise second! (:

Remember; Remember.

I always think about the future, what about the past?

What about all those smiles;
all that laughter experienced?
What about all those bubbly butterflies
all locked in my belly?
What about when I first felt my heart beat faster,
just because of him?

Only problem:

Remembering all the sorrow that tags itself to it.

Overall.

Smile. just because you can.
You never know who you're inspiring...

(:

Dear blog.

I don’t even know where to begin.
‘Eugh’ seems like the best way to explain how I feel.
…or at least that seems to be what I’ve been saying a lot.

Little things. Big things. Future plans. Past memories. It all seems to be suffocating me.
So why aren’t I turning to God. I pray. I’ve asked others to pray. Why am I reacting so badly this time? I feel all hot & bothered…I feel like crying a lot… & worse.

I also want to marry Neil. NOW. I’m currently waiting to grow up.

The family of God, we’re supposed to be a family of affirmation. I get that. My brother sometimes doesn’t seem to remember that the rest of us have feelings. Or, maybe he’s just being an adolescent.

I missed glee, 4OD doesn’t upload until Friday, and so I have to wait for that long. Oh man. I want to talk to Sophie about glee! Apparently it was rubbish. GAY?
I’ll have to wait.

Kind of like how I’m waiting for everything else.


Oh man. I really do love my family though; they’ve been so good to me. My mummy and daddy love me. I’m glad about that. I hope I can reflect their love out to others…
Like Jesus did.
Jesus was & is a good example.
…although that can sometimes be difficult, because then you end up comparing yourself to him…therefore causing a feeling of inferiority?

Oh Jesus, I do love you! I’m sorry!
HELP me to settle my heart.

Also, if there are any readers out there, I hope I didn’t make you want to kill yourself. As Jake Hamilton sings nowadays, ‘it’s all gonna be okay’!
I Promise, as Martin smith & Bob Marley say, “Every little thing is gonna be alright.”
Ciou

"Always time on my mind" I love & hate you.

I think i don't write much in here because i write a lot of PERSONAL stuff (a.k.a writing about Neil) in an actual book diary, but again, I'm not sorry because I'm pretty sure only Helen & I read my blog entries.

I wrote most of this blog in the back of my photography sketchbook on the bus today, may as well write when inspired to.

Here it goes...

Is there really any reason to have such a complex mind?
Thing is: A massive hatred grows inside of me when I'm unnoticed/forgotten/ etc...
BUT when i get unwanted attention, whether its perversion, a disrespectful glance, or I've been put on the spot...I want to run,

which is fair enough, right?

I think it's just confusing when one person adores you, every little bit about you and then the next person can't stand even the thought of you. Cherished by one & trashed by the next.

I almost feel overloaded?
... Overloaded with every type of emotion. How do you express love & hate at the same time? It's like being wet & dry at the same time... or... trying to walk left and right at the same time. I don't particularly want a compromise either.
I'm quite an honest person, so honesty is my policy type thing.......... so, why should i pretend? I don't know.... It's like with Neil, i love him, but find him annoying sometimes. But I can't feel both at the same time, can I? Oh my word, I'm MUMMBBBLLINNGGG.

I could murder, but it's balanced out with compassionate affection & nurturing care.
& feeling sick is a way of the body notifying the brain that there's something wrong downstairs.
The actually being sick is part of the healing process, getting rid of the rubbish.

You make all things work together for my good, Father!

So many petty pointless queries, but totally necessary.
Think.

Whaddup wid diz chick...

I haven't wrote a blog in a long time, I don't need to apologise because NO ONE READS THEM! Aha.
Anyway,
So I slept in, and it felt good, apart from i couldn't toss and turn because I have NEW PIERCINGS.

Yes...

It was a random, spur of the moment type thing.
Basically, I had a cash card that was boring and could only take money out of walls, so Dad helped me get a Debit card, i then managed to block my pin by trying to change it in the wrong place, and then i ordered a new pin and went shopping as soon as the new number came through.
I got a HOLLISTER hoodie -picture attached, mmmine- (the clearance is good) that shop smells and looks sooo naice!
I got 3 different mascaras
some VASELINE
& 2 ear piercings.
Another top cartilage
and a 2nd on my left lobe. Yes, the word lobe makes me lol.

WOW THIS STORY IS BORING.

I have redder hair again, mehehehee.
I also get angry.
I. do. not. like. it.
So I've forced myself to involve Jesus more, I'm reading John atm because i figured Jesus talks himself in the gospels, I just want to hear Jesus, no one else. Thanks.

I continuously get nightmares, what's up with that?
I pray them away, and i get them still.
Last night i saw my grandma die over and over again. :\
Eugh.
So wrong.

One day, someone will read this and think, "Whaddup wid diz chick?"
Actually.. i doubt that, i hope that doesn't happen.. because that person needs to learn to SPEAK properly.

Yep.
I just farted. ACE OF SPADES.