dirt

Just a little more self respect...
How many times have you cleansed me, God, only to saturate myself in dirt once more.

Why is there no limit to your forgiveness?
I am so unworthy.

I am dirt.
Is that why I long to cover myself in it?
I actually belong there.

Jesus.. I do not even deserve to say your name.

If I say your name it would be like picking up a clean white sheet with dripping wet muddy hands.

God.
Protect others from my lack of respect.
Protect myself from myself.

I am the one person I want to escape from,
and I can't.

Let me alone rather than near a muddy pool..
even though it is more than what I deserve.

PLEASE CONTROL ME.

Rejection

A banner held above my head warning people to stay away.


A smell around me that people think will pass, therefore stick around to found out that it does not, and then leave.


An unspoken rule that one must not speak to me over a certain length of time.


They come; searching; trying to win; start succeeding; taste and touch; compliment then leave...



I just don't understand. 

WILL YOU NOT FIGHT FOR ME?
WILL YOU NOT STAY WITH ME?
Sour, self conscious,
degrading, heavy,
disrespectful, left unexplained,

..so frustrating.